I’m Having Cancer Surgery In 4 Days

jack

Silence. Darkness. A cool breeze rattling the blinds. Eyes open. Thinking about having Thyroid Cancer surgery in 4 days. Alone with my thoughts.

OMG. Yeah right. In what world? LOL!

Jack stormed into my bedroom at 5 am today. “Hi, MOM!” I startled awake. Jack jumped on my bed and Lucy, who was sleeping peacefully in a little ball until then.

I didn’t get much sleep last night. An unfortunate side effect of this BS Cancer is cold, soaking night sweats. I’ve taken to laying a giant beach towel down on my sheet and I change my T-shirt 2 to 3 times a night. Sucks. But this is all part of having “Good Cancer.”

I have work at Health Monitor magazine today, but didn’t need to emerge from bed till 6:30 am. But now Lucy was up, licking my face and wagging her tail, so she needed to go out. Jack has always been an early riser and he doesn’t realize what I’m going through physically or emotionally. He knows I have a boo-boo in my neck and that I’m having surgery and he’s going to the beach for a week vacation with uncle Carlo. In fact, yesterday, he suggested I put “cold water” on my neck after surgery because that helped his scraped knee once. “Or have uncle Bri give you some oil. He put oil on my knee when it was bleeding!”

Today the right side of my throat feels blocked or full or allergic reaction-y (if that makes sense). My right ear hurts. I’m coughing. My chest hurts (No, this is not a cold coming on. This is my giant tumor screwing around with my vocal cords, throat and trachea.) These are other symptoms of “Good Cancer.” They come and go. See this pic and that little tumor?

 

You can’t see the right side of my thyroid in my x-rays. The tumor overwhelms it. “There is no right side left,” the first MSKCC doc I saw said. (He can’t treat me because my ins. won’t cover him, but he sent me to his fellow he trained. I’m in great hands!)

We take Lucy outside. It’s freezing and dark. The weather is so weird for August. When I was pregnant with Jack it was the hottest August of my life. The chilly air made this morning seem fake. And for a brief moment, I pretended I was in an alternate universe. Maybe I’d wake up to a sweltering August morning, not 4 days out from Cancer surgery. Jack and I would just go swimming.

The three of us walked back to the main door and inside the secure vestibule. This is when I realized I left the keys upstairs. Can’t get in the building without the fob. Grrrrrreat. I remained semi-calm. “Jack this is why you can’t ambush me at freakin 5 am! GOD!” But, I mean, there’s worse things. We walked Lucy around and waited for the early gym-goers to let us in the main door. Our unit was open.

I dropped Jack off at camp. He  “MOM’ED” me when I went to kiss him, giving me his cheek before running away. I drove to work feeling all the feelings, but mostly grateful for a fun weekend. My mom watched Jack on Friday AND Saturday night and I went out both nights with friends to drink, eat steak and sushi, laugh and enjoy the good, adult life. I slept out on Sat and stayed in bed with my friend till 10:30 am talking and being lazy and sleeping.

And when I got home, I took Jack and Lucy and Mom to the park and sat, barefoot in cool grass for hours drinking lemonade …

 

 

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One Response to “I’m Having Cancer Surgery In 4 Days”

  1. alibaba41 says:

    You’ve been in my thoughts and will continue to be. You have always amazed me with how strong you are, but I still worry about you. Love and support from the West coast.

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